Cultivated Mushroom shares her poems with you...

I've discovered another form of torture for you...Poetry !!!

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My settlers hate the sight of me
They just want me to set them free
I make them work all the day long
And then everything starts to go wrong

The baker despairs, and me he could kill
Cos I forgot to build the sodding mill
If he catches me then he will slaughter
I didn’t know the bread needed water

The fisherman won’t work and bring home the cod
Because I refused to make him a rod
He is threatening to throw me into the sea
A drowned mushroom then I will definitely be

The miners are hiding away in the mine
I wrote them a contract, but they won’t sign
So there’s no more iron, gold or coal
I suppose they’ll leave and go on the dole

I thought the woodcutter was my friend
But he’s just like the others, he can’t pretend
It didn’t help that I ran out of trees
He’s searching for a forrester on his knees

And the sawmill is at an all time slow
I should have known it needed logs to go
The sawman left anyway, life was a bore
When suddenly the trees became no more

My settlers have now all gone on strike
Life with me they just don’t like
I’m joining the Dark Tribe – I like them more
Then my Settlers and I shall go to war

(Dedicated to my friend Dan)

If I were not a mushroom,
The things that I would do,
I could have a proper bath,
And use a normal loo.

No more standing in a field,
I'd have a proper bed.
And when the Gardeners came to call,
I'd scare them instead.

My typing would improve,
I'd have fingers as I should.
And if I didn't have a stalk,
Well life would be so good.

Why was I born a mushroom,
A turnip would have done,
Even the carrots and the beans
Seem to have more fun.

As I shiver in my field,
Sharing my tale of woe,
Even the onions pity me,
I'd like a nose to blow.

Noone loves a mushroom,
I know it in my head,
If I were a lettuce,
I'd be hugged instead.

I'll never have my normal bath,
And my loo is not to be.
The Gardeners will always be scary,
And their shovels frighten me.

I suppose I just have to be brave,
And face harsh reality,
A mushroom I already am,
And a mushroom I'll always be.


Eek ! the mushroom cried in fear,
Don't throw me in the pan,
I'd rather not become
Dinner for some man.

Oh ! the mushroom screamed in pain
Please put the knife away,
Don't slice me up and throw me in,
It's really not my day.

Waahhh ! the mushroom wailed in grief,
I felt you throw me in,
Now I've got to meet the eggs,
I guess I just can't win.

So ! the mushroom spat in spite,
I see you got your way
Now I'm scrambled with the eggs
There's not much more to say.